Thoughts on the NFL Draft From Someone Who Knows Nothing About the NFL Draft

The NFL Draft is taking place right now, and with the 17th pick, amongst a chorus of boos for some guy wearing a toupee, our beloved Patriots took some guy from some school. Of course, this player still needs development but, watch out, with his size and athleticism, in a few years this guy could be one of the best guys from one of the best drafts in the last two years.

Of course, the Patriots have other needs as well. They still need one of those guys who steals the ball from God Brady’s hands and runs into the fat guys. Luckily, that one guy is still available. And, if the Patriots are really unlucky, they could still land that other, slightly less talented guy. The Patriots’ offense was strong last season, but that small white guy with the funny name can’t be expected to carry the load again, especially not if that other small white guy who catches the ball continues to struggle without that tall black guy with the dreadlocks, or if that other small white guy with the mustache is injured again. So yes, the Patriots will likely need to pick one of those guys who has a shorter career than most NFL players. But whichever of these (almost always) black guys the Patriots pick, he’ll probably have to work on his ball security. He’ll probably also have to learn how wait for the holes to open up, as they say. Said player will surely have great explosiveness and field vision, however, and many experts could probably see him as a 1000-yard rusher, someday.

Speaking of fat guys, the Patriots could use a few to go up against the other team’s fat guys. The Patriots’ fattest fat guy is great, but he doesn’t often get past other fat guys; he just waits for the ball thief to run into him. The Patriots need someone who can run around the other fat guys and then tackle the pretty (usually) white guy who holds the ball a lot.

What it comes down to, really, is that the Patriots, along with every other team in the league, need more offense. And more defense. Heck, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind some more special teams either.

The NFL Draft: where the same people say the same things about basically the same people. Year after year after year after…

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